This morning I once again slept late. I haven't been able to sleep at night, and am hoping that this will change as I start to let go of things. Here is today's exercise...

What do I wish I had never done?
I won't actually list them here, but my written list is about two pages long in a journal, and let's just say it's sad that I regret that much. I thought I had no regrets, but I guess I was wrong.

What do I wish I could forget?
All of what I've done. I don't like to remember any of it.

What do I wish I could have done differently?
- Applied myself in school and taken SAT/ACT
- Gone to college
- Gotten a job earlier in life
- Finished cosmetology
- Not had so many relationships
- Never hurt my boyfriend.. at all
- Never done drugs

What behaviors have I taken part in that have unintentionally/intentionally hurt someone?
All of my behaviors have hurt someone whether on purpose or not.

How do you beat yourself up about these past incidents?
I remind myself of them everyday. I go through "what if's" every night before I go to sleep. I chalk up failing to my being too fat, or too loud, too ugly or too dumb, uncontrollable, not able to change, screwed.

Why do you think you hold on to them?
I hold on to them because I know that I have hurt others, and that will never go away. I just want to fix it and spare them pain.

SOUL FOOD:
My darkness is an absence of light.

That's all for today.

Preparing for my consciousness cleanse, I have searched my soul for inspiration. I have found that the reason I want to do this is to let go of all I have done wrong. There's been so many mistakes, and if I am to move on with my life, I need to let them go. Let them dissipate into the black hole of my memory.

The first thing I need to do is find things that inspire me. Music, videos, art, people, etc. I know that I will eventually lose motivation, so I need to surround myself with things that will remind me why I am doing this.

The next thing I need to do is to prepare a schedule. A loose outline of what my days are going to consist of. To change my life, I need to change my habits. The best place to start changing my habits, is with my daily life. I'll begin to work out more often, eat healthier and more regularly, and take time to meditate. Also, being a Witch, I will take more time to perform a daily ritual/spell.

The last thing I need to do is to make my family, friends, and others aware of this process so they know not to interrupt this process.

Wish me luck.

My name is.. well, actually, just call me Miss. My real name is quite plain and boring, and Miss suits me better. I am eighteen years old, newly legal, and less excited. I turned eighteen this past July, and let me tell you, eighteen is not some magic number that makes you into this wonderful adult. No. Instead I have been shut in the apartment more and more. My boyfriend is nineteen, and is a responsible, career driven man. On top of his 13 hour days working for the local hospital, he is also a volunteer fireman. I support his decisions 100%, but since graduating high school in June, my friends, my routine, and my life have all come to a complete stop. I no longer see my friends since I don't drive, and they are all college students now with busy lives. I no longer have a routine, and my days consist of waking up when the boyfriend gets up for work, or on his days off, whenever he becomes conscious. My life... well, I'm pretty sure you get the point. I cook, I clean, I sit around on this computer and write random blogs, and I sleep. I really don't have much of a social life, or family life. My days are spent alone in the apartment cleaning or doing other random tasks.

But don't think I don't love my life. I do. I love my boyfriend, and I am thankful for him working so hard, and having a passion other than video games. And I like to cook and clean for him. And I would never blame him for how things have changed over the past year, because it is my fault.

I am the one who didn't find a job in time, who didn't get her drivers license yet, and who let her friends pass through her hands. I didn't go to college, because I didn't have enough money. So it is my fault that I am sitting here doing nothing at this very moment. I could have applied myself more in high school and gotten a scholarship or grant to the school of my choice, but I cared more about skipping classes with my boyfriend and friend. And the worst part is that friend, my best friend, no longer calls or texts, or even messages me. I have not heard from her since the beginning of the second semester of this past year.

Well, I guess that's enough of an introduction.

Hopefully life will become more interesting. Or maybe not. Either way, it'll all be right here, for the world to read.